If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
