His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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