This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.