I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
