At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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