just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
