Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He passed out mid-signature
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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