I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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