I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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