Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
