how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
