Cold hands, warm shart.
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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