if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Randomize
