So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
