Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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