remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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