GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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