I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
