I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
