She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
