bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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