How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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