Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Still dying that you shit outside
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apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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