i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
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you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
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My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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