First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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