I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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