Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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