Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
