she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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