I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
