how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
