Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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