im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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