We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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