I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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