Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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