he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
