You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
