I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
