Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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