I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
