if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
