fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
