Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
