I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
