grandma shit on top of the toilet
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize