I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
