When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
are you so shy because you have an std?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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