just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.