DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements