I accidentally burped into my bong.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
