My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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