guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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