These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Randomize
