Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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