you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
