I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
and you fell through a lawn chair
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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