i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
